I don't think I'm gonna write in here--online, anymore.  I betrayed my family's trust and was only thinking about myself when I decided to meet the guy I met online, not only was risky, I didn't tell anyone where I was going, including a girlfriend, plus I ditched two friends to go meet him, and on top of all of that, I elaborately lied to close friends, which hurt them pretty bad.  I picked a big thing to be secret about...Narcisism= I I IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIII II I .  I trust people too much, and it's not safe for someone of my gullability, and stupidity at times--big ones.  The input is good, and that's what I will lack when I journal alone, but I'll just talk to people about my issues, instead of dropping myself out on the line for anyone to know about me-- maybe even a predator.  What my parents beat into me is that you never know who you're talking to when you meet online; the girls that have been abducted probably were thinking the same thing I was(I was just lucky):  "He likes me a lot, we have so much in common,,,--in my case--I really connect with him, and he understands me..."  Its creapy and sickening to think that all these good feelings can lead to atrocity--that there are people all around you and me who are sex offenders...or murderers.  They're everywhere, and it's only a matter of luck.  My dad's a fireman, and he was disgusted at me for what I did, and he said something--[SARCASTICALLY]- that has stuck in my brain..."Oh yeah!  That would be great to wake up tomorrow morning and find you at the bottom of Trinitiy River chopped into tiny pieces.  That would make my day!"..  This scenario can apply to anyone who doesn't take the proper precautions(there are many).

Really I just scared myself, even though I didn't really care what happened to me--I could've met someone really special-- I should always take precautions, and take care of myself because there are people who care about me, and who worry about me.  Plus I can't take back trying to commit suicide...I've put my dad in horrible debt with my stupidity and selfishness, and have caused a distraction when my brothers are trying to get through their tests in college.  And to top it off, my dad is working to pay for all three of us to go to college, pretty much at the same time...  Dad's got a heavy load on his back, and commiting suicide(hospital, in-patient, out-patient,and my newest addition, private school) and being a consistent brat to him has IMMENSELY burdened him.  This is almost too much to take at once, so let's not even hear my pitiful story.  I owe him so much that I can never give back.  The emotion is not existent, but fuck emotion...  what can I give?  He has emotion in there somewhere, but all I can see is a head and body. 

Oh how I love to talk about myself.  It's too much.  He:  Dry white sand in a glass eye does nothing.  Me:  Dripping lucy with soggy shoes only makes a mess.  As I sit and decay in emptiness, he becomes enraged with confusion.  I a frustrating mystery, and he is black and white like the day and the night.

So farewell to my two-three readers, and thanks for the comments!         

Well I got home from school, and really didn't want to get out of the car, b/c I knew who I could barely stand who I'd have to deal with when I got inside.  I mean I felt like i had crashed and burned already, and didn't feel like going inside to face the guy who is everything at school that I avoid the most, my dad.  I sound like a brat, but I have to breathe a little, and I am here.  [I'm using unnatural amounts of italicized words--oh dear! two weeks til the monthly visitor]  Aren't I a hoot!  anyhoo,  too much drama.  it I fearfully avoid. 

So,   Dad was home...I have the suckiness of school at school and at home, great!  I know this isn't good, but lately I can't wait for Dad to be working(I love him and all, but the control freak gets mad when he's confused, and I am a mistery to him, plus a bunch of other crap that comes along with his random outbursts of stress-related anger jabbing away at my stance).  At least I know that his anger isn't because of my disrespect, self-centerdness,"You-think-the-world-revolves-around-you"-somehow I'll make that a noun...  It's two things that make me cry: 1)his tone of voice and 2)the words-- that only make me feel neglect and abuse(due to my extreme sensativity)

When I don't tell anyone about what happened, then ofcourse he's right.  Everything he's called me, "Rude, the most disrespectful, selfish, self-centered, (you know what you are--a brat!)  When I was pretty much just doing the regular.  And the sickening part is that he won't leave me alone; I'll feel threatened, either emotionally, or physically("Because I said so.").  I just hate myself for this. 

And I'm a bug with extra long sensory tentacles, who feels everything more than it should--sees everything in extremity--everything is pain(supposedly most of it is biological).  How could my dad be a bully to me...i'm all mopey, but i hate that he affects me so much!!!  

I can be such an enigma.  crazy loon--stupid--narcissistic-..my gosh doctor get here fast.  not responsiblity my brain is on overload.. i'm such a retard, no doubt...but he sees only black and white.  I've crossed the line of sanity.  things must have been triggering me today.  Dad chewing me out whenever he's an asshole makes me nervous, anxious self concious(because his accusations only eat at me)  god he's such an ass--"Come sit right here.. Talk!(he thinks yelling at me will solve the problem,  sometimes i just have to laugh)...You're about to get a spanking....Because I said so...Emiy!  Get down here(I come down and he puts on a smiley face(now that I the puppet have done what his oversized cyclops-ness has slobber-yelled at me to do)) stressed because he's an ass-hole.  That's why!  Of course it is.  right?  yes.  lol  insanity is my retardation. i'm cool. and have filled out another blank page that should never have actually been said by anyobe with an IQ above 45, which makes me legally retarded lol Anchorman  I need friends!